Typical Days From A Not-So-Typical Perspective

Once again…

My existence’s mirror for the entire day reflects my quaint tainted image before turning from black to blue, from bleakness to vagueness, from dimness to distinction-from rest to movement. It doesn’t require much more than my hands and mind to confine myself to that realm of consciousness and unconsciousness and color and blackness altogether. As every clock tick solitarily bears witness to every lethargic ounce of yet another passing day, I whisk every drop of time with every strand of reason and whim I wisp.

Only…

Time here is the harshest adversary and the friendliest companion altogether.

Harshest because at times every grain of sand falling at every instant towards the bottom of the hourglass portends the beginning of the end. It is a clash between sanity and time with reason and whim caught up somewhere in the tempests’ gusts if not smashed to pieces after insanity and timelessness settles. It is the struggle of sanity and time against each other with the difference between color and darkness blurred amidst the violent swirls from the titans’ thrusts if not fused altogether from the forces fomenting insanity and timelessness altogether.

Friendliest because at times every grain of sand falling at every instant towards the bottom of the hourglass portends nothing at all. Colors and jargons form a placid sea where consciousness threads eternity and reason and leisure reflect the ripples of crisp clear pools of thought from beneath. A realm devoid of insanity and timelessness is a realm where sanity is consciousness while time is eternity.

And then…

As each stride of the pendulum finds harmony with the hymn of reason, the colors of the whispering haze blend with the soothing sight of the eternal meadows. A walk through the flora of colors and amidst the fauna of leisure is a futile chase of the firmament of infinity supported by the horizon.

Finally…

The setting of the sun ensures the end of that existence in a plane where reason and whim drive me, where the time and sanity dictate existence, where starts are ends and ends are starts as much as stars and ends are themselves altogether. And as the surest mirror to be left unshattered turns from distinction to dimness, from vagueness to bleakness, from blue to black-from movement to rest, I look at the reflection of the same image made more quaint and tainted after. Then to the rest portends unrest as much as something expects…

Nothing.

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Fatalism – II. September Jinx

What is it about September that I have to fuck up at something during this
time of the year? Well I took the time to write down about some stuff that
really went wrong the last few years during this month.

It was September of 2002 when I lost my job. It was my first job and I
don’t wish to go into its details. All I can say is that it had me in a
very deep shit (most especially financially) as I have a wife and an
eleven month old daughter then. Luckily I got a job about a month after
that fiasco.

Years after that incident, it seems to have been a blessing in disguise
because my job back then didn’t involve Software Development at all.
Two years after losing my job (2004,) someone pickpocketed me to rid me
off my cellphone. The mofo sat beside me from Cubao then got off somewhere
at Libis one morning around mid-September that year. That was the last
time I rode a jeep from Cubao towards Libis.

While a Nokia 3310 doesn’t sound much of a big loss even back then, it was
so for me because I had no spare for such an immediate quasi-need. Luckily
my father sent me cash for another phone so I got myself a Nokia 2300. Not
much of an advance, technology-wise that is, but i find its built-in FM
radio useful during my long travel time and times of boredom.

Finally just last September 12, it’s my wallet’s turn to disappear from my
pocket… this time back at Malabon. And it happened at a time when I
couldn’t have bothered to have more pains in the neck than what I had
before that time until now.*

In short I spent a whole afternoon having my 3 credit cards and 2 atms
blocked at a time when I was supposed to look after my wife and daughter.
I even had no time to iron out things related to my lost SSS ID. Thank God
I got to have all 5 cards blocked immediately, (though I’ll have to worry
about my Cell Phone bill soon because of the mad scamper I had to make to
do so.)

So I guess I won’t be enthusiastic about the commencement of the
Ber-months next year. Uhm… and the stupid month’s still not even through this year.

* Refer to The Last Man Standing blog entry.

Fatalism – I. Fortune Telling

When my wife was in college, (back when she still didn’t know me,) she got to be friends with a girl who was still a Computer Science student back then. Now this girl had a friend who came from a family of Tarot card readers from Mindanao. So my wife and her other friends agreed to try out what the guy and his Tarot cards has to say about them.

During the session, he told them that he keeps different sets of Tarot cards and disposes those which he refered to as “bad” decks. As to how a group of cards can be bad, I just don’t know. My guess is just as good as that of a non-esotherically apt individual.

He also narrated about the time when his cards showed that another friend of his would be impregnated in the future. He chose not to tell the girl so as not to freak her out, only to find out a few weeks later that she indeed got pregnant. So from then on, he vowed to tell whatever the cards had to say about his subject.

When the whole session ended, the guy told them that while what he foretold are good shots at their respective futures, some might not happen at all. In the end, it is the individual who gets to decide what happens to his/her life.

As for my wife and her friends, they did get their shots at their respective futures. One who got somewhat irked by what she was told, even commented that such a thing will never happen to her, only for her to indeed have such a boyfriend in the future.

Another was told that she would be unlucky with guys and as far as I know, she is until now.

However what convinced me the guy was not a sham was what he foretold about my wife’s future.

First he told her that she wouldn’t seem to finish her studies. Check. Second it was because she would get impregnated before she got to finish. Check. Third she’ll get to travel a lot. Uhm… not yet. Fourth she’ll become rich. Damn! Not yet!

So far it’s still two of four at this point in time. The tie-breaker in the checklist was the one she’ll get to marry. I had no doubt he hit the jackpot when he said Yung mapapangasawa mo matalino pero sobrang yabang!

Damn! The guy’s good. Image

Note: The image was taken from http://www.intuitionpsychiccentre.com/images/DSC_0651.jpg.

Prelude To The Fatalism Series

I find it preposterous to write about some things contrary to my somewhat pragmatic outlook in life. Yet I’m taking some time to write about things I find somewhat amusing yet somewhat strange in life. Well the next few days (or maybe even weeks) may find me writing essentially about things that concern fate and subjects related to it.

So at least for the next couple of entries, I’m writing stuff I am going to call the Fatalism Series in my special spot in the universe.

The Last Man Standing

The past two and a half weeks have been such a mighty hell for me that I myself am surprised why I’m still healthy. Maybe it’s my punishment from heaven for being too much of a pragmatic and near-atheist pessimist. At any rate, things aren’t turning out fine for my wife at the moment, (thank God it did for my daughter already.)

My wife had several illnesses during the said time. She had frequent high blood pressure during the first week and early the second week, then pneumonia the rest of the said period, (then now a doctor claims it to be pneumonitis, thus refuting another doctor’s earlier claim that it was bronchitis.) As for my daughter she contracted fever then coughs and colds at about the same time my wife was having frequent high blood pressure.

That only had to mean I do household chores on top of my work on weekdays. So I had to wash clothes and iron my own for the office, take my daughter to school and fetch her afterwards more often, help her in making her assignments, reviewing her for her quizzes and exams, play my daughter’s nanny’s role, buy food and medicine for the sick people I had to care for almost 24 hours, take them to the clinic/hospital wherever possible or necessary anytime during the almost 24 hours I’m awake and a whole lot of other tiring and seemingly endless stuff. All of these aside from the fact that I had to endure 8 hours of my regular work and 3 to 4 hours of total daily travel time and the fact that I’m already stuck up in debt and had my little savings blown off by the entire fiasco.

I try to stay cool most of the time but there are times when I couldn’t help but blow my top. I had to. The adversaries are too Herculean and the time I had to endure them was too long. Hence I got to toughen up on my daughter even for the most trivial reasons, once even appalling my mother-in-law who had to meddle to keep my poor horrified kid from getting beaten up too much and my wife who almost suffered a heart attack at the sight of my ire. Hence I got to shout curses and expletives at my wife for the most menial reasons such as for being too much demanding, for being too much of a pain… for being too much of a nobody.

It broke my heart (or what’s left of it) to see her weep and feel so helpless, so hopeless because a lot of people had to be affected really hard to mind her. Now is not the time for remorse however. After all maybe I’ll get to have my day in hell for these but I’m definitely seeing to it that it’s going to be long after I give them the kind of life they deserve from me.

How much longer I can keep up with this? I don’t know. How I managed to remain the last man standing? I don’t know. I only saw to it that I had to eat right, increase my daily dosage of multivitamins from 500 up to 1,000 mg (then maybe up to 1,500 soon) and had a steady supply of cigarettes so I could light up something apart from my impatience. Then apart from the big fat eyebags and occasional dizziness I amusingly got to gain weight despite the whole mess I’m in.

How long can I last adversity? I don’t know. So far it’s two weeks and four days… and counting.