Quotable Quotes: As Good As It Gets (1997) – I

I actually started out posting a quotable quotes entry sometime before alluded to Darkwing Duck. This time, I thought it worthwhile to post something in the same spirit about one of the few movies I actually enjoyed.

As Good As It Gets is fraught with quotes, mostly wisecracks, that it’d be just wrong for me not to post them here. Jack Nicholson’s sterling portrayal of Melvin Udall and Helen Hunt’s excellent enactment of Carol Connelly more than justifies their Best Actor and Best Actress awards at the Oscars in the year of the Titanic phenomenon.

The refreshing alternative to the fad on the ocean liner’s tragedy was more than a welcome for invitation for me that time. Titanic was just too much then. The sound track’s drumming my ears anywhere I go-malls, public transportation sounds, local radio stations, etc. All buses I take on the way to school show pirated versions of it during a time when constructions of the skyway and the mrt were responsible for mammoth traffic on the roads.

Add Greg Kinnear’s characterization of Simon Bishop and seeing the movie was pretty much fun for me. So without further ado, here are some of the quotes from IMDB.

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Simon Bishop: You’re why cavemen chiseled on walls.

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Carol: Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Melvin Udall: Maybe we could live *without* the wisecracks.
Carol: Maybe we could.

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Carol: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-…
Melvin Udall: It’s not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that’s their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.

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Carol: Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something that you knew was stupid?

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Frank Sachs: I grew up in hell! My grandmother has more attitude than you!

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Frank Sachs: If there’s a mental health organization that raises money for people like you, be sure to let me know.
Melvin Udall: Last word freak.

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[to Verdell the dog]
Melvin Udall: Don’t be like me. Don’t you be like me!

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Melvin Udall: I’ve got a really great compliment for you, and it’s true.
Carol Connelly: I’m so afraid you’re about to say something awful.
Melvin Udall: Don’t be pessimistic, it’s not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I’ve got this, what – ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I’m using the word “hate” here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never… well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol Connelly: I don’t quite get how that’s a compliment for me.
Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.
Carol Connelly: …That’s maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.

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[after telling Carol that he thinks she’s the greatest woman on Earth]
Melvin Udall: Is that something that’s bad for you to be around, for you?
Carol Connelly: No.

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Melvin Udall: [introducing Carol to Simon] Carol the waitress, Simon the fag.

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Carol: When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome… and then, of course, you spoke.

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Carol Connelly: Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Melvin Udall: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have.

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Carol: Fucking H.M.O. bastard pieces of shit!
Beverly Connelly: Carol!
Carol: Sorry.
Dr. Martin Bettes: It’s okay. Actually, I think that’s their technical name.

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[to a group of depressed psychiatric patients]
Melvin Udall: What if this is as good as it gets?

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Melvin Udall: I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you’re the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, “Spence,” and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that’s all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

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Melvin Udall: Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there’s a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there’s a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you’re going to faint. Even then, don’t come knocking. Or, if it’s election night, and you’re excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he’s going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don’t knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?
Simon Bishop: [clears his throat] Uhm, yes. It’s not a… subtle point that you’re making.
Melvin Udall: Okay then.
[Shuts door in Simon’s face]

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[Sitting in the bar after Carol storms out]
Melvin Udall: Well, it’s not right to go into details, I got nervous. I screwed up, I said the wrong thing… Where if I hadn’t, I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead I’m here with you
[gestures to bartender]
Melvin Udall: . No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.

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Melvin Udall: How can you diagnose someone with an obsessive compulsive disorder, then act like I have some choice about barging in here?

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Melvin Udall: Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City “Sailor wanna hump-hump” bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.

To be continued…

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