Quotable Quotes: As Good As It Gets (1997) – II

I split the quotes for the movie into two entries because I figured out that maybe it got to be pretty boring reading all those lines in one blog entry alone. In any case, here’s the continuation again from IMDB:

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Melvin Udall: People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.

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Simon Bishop: Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm me.
[pauses]
Simon Bishop: I love you.
Melvin Udall: I tell you, buddy… I’d be the luckiest man alive if that did it for me.

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Melvin Udall: I’m drowning here, and you’re describing the water!

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Carol: Do you want to dance?
Melvin Udall: I’ve been thinking about that for a while.
Carol: [standing up] Well?
Melvin Udall: No.

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Melvin Udall: Judging from your eyes, I’d say you were fifty.
Carol: Judging from your eyes, I’d say you were kind, so so much for eyes.

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Simon Bishop: If you stare at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.

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Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

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Simon Bishop: The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.

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Melvin Udall: Can I ask you a personal question?
Simon Bishop: Sure.
Melvin Udall: You ever get an erection over a woman?
Simon Bishop: Melvin…
Melvin Udall: I mean, wouldn’t your life be easier if you weren’t…
Simon Bishop: You consider your life easy?
[pause]
Melvin Udall: All right, I give you that one.

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Melvin Udall: I can’t do this without you. I’m afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me.

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Melvin Udall: I can’t get back to my old life. She’s evicted me from my life!
Simon Bishop: Did you really like it all that much?

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[to Dr. Bettes, Spencer’s wonderful new doctor]
Carol Connelly: Can we get you anything else? Water, coffee, couple of female slaves?

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Dr. Martin Bettes: My wife is Melvin Udall’s publisher. She said that I was to take excellent care of this little guy because you are urgently needed back at work. What kind of work do you do?
Carol Connelly: I’m a waitress.
Beverly Connelly: In Manhattan.

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Melvin Udall: You’re a disgrace to depression.

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Simon Bishop: Rot in hell, Melvin!
Melvin Udall: No need to stop being a lady. Quit worryin! You’ll be back on your knees in no time!

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Carol Connelly: How are you?
Simon Bishop: Don’t ask. I’m tired of my own complaints. I need to get some new thoughts.
Carol Connelly: Why? What are you thinking about now?
Simon Bishop: How to die, mostly.
Carol Connelly: To think that in our little mix you’re the good roommate.

________________________________________

Carol Connelly: Why can’t I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn’t go nuts on me!
Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn’t exist.

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Frank Sachs: Can you drive him?
Melvin Udall: Think white, and get serious!

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Melvin Udall: I’ve got Jews at my table.
Carol Connelly: It’s not your table, behave! This once, you can sit at someone else’s station.
[all the other waitresses gasp]
Carol Connelly: Or you can wait your turn.

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Melvin Udall: Police! Donut-munching morons, HELP ME! HELP ME!
Frank Sachs: Shh!
Melvin Udall: Assault and Battery – and you’re black!

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Simon Bishop: Lucky for you… you’re here for rock-bottom. You absolute horror of a human being.

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Simon Bishop: Verdell. What’s wrong? You miss the tough guy?
[imitating Melvin]
Simon Bishop: Well, here I am, sweetheart! Happy to see me, you little pissant mop? How ’bout another ride down the chute?

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[Melvin enters the restaurant in his suit]
Carol Connelly: You look so se-… um, you look great.

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Melvin Udall: I’m dying here.
Simon Bishop: Because you love her.
Melvin Udall: No! And you people are supposed to be sensitive and sharp?

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Simon Bishop: Melvin, do you know where you’re lucky? You know who you want.

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[crying and laughing at the same time]
Melvin Udall: Over a dog! Over an ugly dog!

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Melvin Udall: Did you have sex with her?
[Carol comes out of the bathroom]
Melvin Udall: Oh, sorry. I didn’t know she was here. Did you have sex with her?

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[dumping Verdell down the garbage chute]
Melvin Udall: This is New York, pal. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere!

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Melvin Udall: Oh, you were talking about your dog. I thought you were referring to that colored man inside your apartment.
Simon Bishop: Uh, what color would that be?
Melvin Udall: Like uh, like thick MO-lasses.

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Melvin Udall: As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don’t give a rat-crap what or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?

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Melvin Udall: How much more you got to eat? Appetites aren’t as big as your noses, huh?

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Melvin Udall: Just what the world needs, another actress.

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[after Carol arrives at Melvin’s apartment in the middle of the night]
Carol Connelly: I’m not going to sleep with you! I will never sleep with you, never, ever! Not ever!
Melvin Udall: Well, I’m sorry, but… we don’t
open for the “no sex oaths” until 9am.

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Carol: A compliment is something nice about somebody else.

________________________________________

Carol: Is it a secret what you’re doing here?
Melvin Udall: I had to see you.
Carol: Because?
Melvin Udall: It relaxes me. I’d feel better sitting outside your apartment on the curb than any other place I can think of or imagine.

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Melvin Udall: I don’t get this place. They make me buy a new outfit and let you in a housedress. I don’t get it.

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[last lines]
Melvin Udall: Want something?
Carol: Warm rolls.

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